Sunday, 16 June 2013

Melbourne, GPC nationals and a slap in the face

Our trip to melbourne was everything i could have asked for and more. Walking off the plane on to the Tarmac in Melbourne it was FREEZING, the cold wind went straight through anything you were wearing. All for us piled in the car luggage in the boot and on my lap in the back seat, packed to the roofs, my husband, myself and 2 of our friends drove into Melbourne CBD. Lights from all the buildings flooding the night sky, high rises back to back, people rushing everywhere through the CBD like it was 9am on a Monday morning. Yep we had hit Melbourne and we were in for a life treat over the next 4 days and I think all 4 of us were going to have some what of a self discovery time. Arriving at the unit late at night we said our goodnights and went to our separate apartments. 

Day 1 started with a walk through the Melbourne CBD and into the Queen street markets, the food is amazing, the colours, the freshness, the crispness of the veges, the smell of the meats, fruit and freshly grinded coffee beans fills the ally ways. Why don't we have something like this in Brisbane, real fresh food straight from the farmers, markets that are open longer than just the weekend, this needs to be taught and excursions in schools (another blog all together). 

Walking into the start of the GPC national power lifting comp day 1, the electric atmosphere smacked you fair in the face, girls walking around in their soft suits, chalk and more chalk, warm up bars and racks set up out the back every where, (oh this weekend was only getting started . Sighhhhhhh). One thing that was paramount that this industry seemed different like no other, men that were to compete in days to come, women that for one reason or another who weren't, people that had or were competing supporting each other for there lifts was amazing. It was like a family or another community all together, competitors there for their own reasons, some to break personal PR's, World and Australian records, wining there own weight division or smashing out the comp all together. As day 1 came to end women left with their heads held high and smiles from ear to ear. 

Some people are born with determination that some people only dream of and never actually find. For this young athlete who only decided to give power lifting a red hot go a few months back and weighing in at a tiny 67kg but with an amazing physique that only comes with hard training and a perfect diet. Pulling world record in all 3 lifts, taking out not only his weight division but also the best overall lifter, this young athlete has a very bright future and is nothing short of inspirational for many. Just another example of power lifting brining the best out of their dathletes

As the day came to close my husband and I chose to hit the town to see what Melbourne had to offer, walking into the one and only Crown Casino. The music blaring, the lights going off, the numbers on the pokies going around, the dice rolling, the cards turning, the crisp $100 dollar notes in bundles of 10 being handed over like a packet of rice. All for the chance of it doubling, yes a chance, no guarantees, is it the thrill of a chance, is it the thrill of feeling in control or maybe uncontrollable at that moment, to only wake up the next morning for reality to hit you smack in the face.

Walking out of the casino, leaving the bling and ding behind me I squeeze my husbands hand that little tighter, knowing I have all the guarantees right here, I am feeling better than ever before and I am taking this world with both hands and I don't need to take those risky fake chances for a quick buzz because I now can live my life for real and wake up every day on a constant buz on life in general. 

Day 3 was what you could say where dreams start to become reality, sitting in small alleyway tucked away in the CBD of Melbourne and trying to take it all in. It is everything I imagined and more; the posters of events stuck on walls and ceilings, graffiti on the walls of which I would describe as untouched art, the aromas of bakery food and freshly grinded coffee filling the air, little cafes scattered throughout, the voices of everyone deep in conversation, this is Melbourne at it's best. Here i was sipping on a sparkling mineral water and talking to the one and only Damon Hayhow who I would describe as one of the most inspirational, well educated men, he does and will continue to redfine the strength and conditioning industry, opening amazing facilities and running program's to try and bring the industry to the next level. With his infectious personality and driven out look on life our conversation came to end and with another slap in the face I knew my life was on the right track. 

This is what these guys work for day in day out, the constant weighing of food to the gram, the late nights at the gym whilst there mates where out partying, the room was packed to the walls full of people watching eagerly to see what the big boys could lift. The room was electric, the best of the best were there Ricky Goodyear, Scott Wasson, Dan Green snd Odelle Manuel were just to name a few. These men were an inspiration to many of the women and men standing in the room, these men did not disappoint we were all standing on the edge of our toes whilst Australian, World records and world ever 1st numbers smashed out of the water. 

As the plane left the Tarmac, I looked out the windows at the lights of the buildings covering Melbourne I knew this was where my life was suppose to be; beside my biggest support my husband and my journey to healthier life was in full swing and Melbourne was the slap in the face I needed. I knew that my health and this journey had not only reignited the flame with my husband, that it had proved to me that I was on the right track and the sacrifices I was making now were going to pay off even if the road does get a little bumpy on the way.

Sunday, 9 June 2013

Where it all started

I will never forget it feeling like I had lost it completely, with tears streaming down my face walking out of the clinic with my husband in my hand. We walked into the elevator and looked at each other and just broke down and held each other so tight. It was our 5th cycle and I was not pregnant again we both new we could no longer go any further, I was now 30kg over weight and miserable it was all we could we think about, it was consuming us. From that moment on I buried myself in work and everything else but me, this went on for another 3 years. 

I would walk past gyms, see fit groups and think to myself, that is where I was happy. I would push that thought to the back of my head, there is no way I could walk into a gym now looking the way I did. I constantly made empty promises to myself and would constantly let myself, my husband and my family down. I could see it in there faces, how disappointed they were in me, we had such an active up brining and was taught the importance of exercise and yet what had I become. Often I would feel so alone and just eat and then feel so disgusted in myself for doing it and it would just go around and around. 

To this day I don't know what made me do it but I had heard about this gym opening up not to far away from my work and I thought I am going to go down and sign up and I did. I was scared, nervous and every thought that entered in my head was telling me to run further and further away.  

I could no longer run and take life for granted, I had to take control of my life and no one could do it for me. You know there are some things You can't control and in particular I am never going to know if I will get the chance to be a mum and yes that breaks my heart but I am never going to be a mum or enjoy life if I am over weight. At my heaviest I weighed in 40kg over weight, you do the sums it was not pretty. 

9 months on and I am not the same person, I can now feel my fire for life coming to life again, the old Kelly is emerging. Now how would I describe myself. I am obsessive, a little crazy, I often don't think before i act, I constantly doubt my ability, I do worry what others think and look for others approval, I hate thinking I have let myself or others down. A lot of what makes me who I am use to be my down fall but I am now learning to use it to my advanatge and trying 
to make myself a better version of me. 

I am not going to say I wake up with a bounce in my step every day and the birds cherping away, I set goals and dont always get them but life is a lot better than it was. I can seriously tell you I enjoy life now, I love my fitness, I love how my goals are always changing, my mind set it always changing. I am stronger and i am now putting me and my life with my husband first (another blog all together)

Each week, day, month I am learning to love myself again, I use to think it was selfish or vain to feel like that but now I know it's a right and to be able to help others and give to others you need love yourself first. I feel my husband is prouder to call me his wife and my family and friends are no longer looking at me with disappointment or pitty. At the end of the day everyone wants to be someone that people are proud to be around and associated with. I no longer dread walking outside and taking on the day as the stronger I get the better life gets.  I have a clear vision of who Kelly is and just maybe my dream may come true one day and i will have a little family of my own but in the meantime I have my health back, I have "me" back and my gorgeous husband and life is a lot brighter and our future is in our hands. I am controlling the things I can and allowing life to take control of the things I can't. 

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

mind over matter

Walking up to the rack, putting the bar on your back, you have done this time and time again for almost 9 months now. Yet you are doubting yourself, over the past few weeks you are creating this fear in your head, the doubt that comes flooding in and you cant seem to shake it.

You know that somehow you have to do it, you press up and take few steps back, with your coach standing close behind you. You can hear him say "you got this", strong girl, strong but yet this doubt is still looming in your head.

Taking a big breath in, slowly squatting and letting all that air out of your lungs on the way out. YES you made but you know it felt terrible, WHY because deep in your head you were thinking more about your doubt than the squat.

Walking away from the bar, your coach looks at you, he does need to say anything because for some reason he can read it all in your head. He says "walk away" come back and I want you to start thinking about the squat, you need to feel it. You walk away so frustrated in yourself because once again your head got in the way and you are scared of the bar.

I walk into the rack again, this time out loud i say, "hips back, chest up and elbows back". I put all the doubt as far back in my head hopefully never to be found again. I look at myself in the mirror and I am now in the zone, its just me, the bar and my coach nothing else matters in this moment. I put the bar under my back, this time I can actually feel the creases of the bar on my skin, I walk back and take one more look in the mirror, knowing all my parts of my body are now positioned right and i take the biggest breath and fill my lungs and squat. At this pint i think YES this feels good and let all air out on the way up.

My coach looks at me and i look at him, we both know that it was a great squat, best feeling in the world, so empowering. This is why I come back day after day, week after week, the iron bar constantly challenges you. You can feel on top of the world and for what ever reason, you doubt yourself and your ability and the bar wins. But not for long, i didnt achieve everything I wanted to that night but I learnt a lot about myself and how to control my head. 

It was probably the most vital training session, I learnt to be confident in my ability and yes I am sure there will be other times I will doubt myself. I learnt sometimes you need to take it back to square one even if it hurts your ego a little or you feel beaten. I know next time i step up to the bar, that I want feel the bar, I want to mould in to the bar and feel my muscles tense, get stronger and I want to feel every stage of the squat as its own.

My head is my biggest challenge, I felt depleted and beaten for 24hrs after the session but that's where my life has changed. I have surrounded myself with people that support me and build me up. They believe in me, even when I don't and they do not let me walk away from fears ?