Where it all started

I will never forget it feeling like I had lost it completely, with tears streaming down my face walking out of the clinic with my husband in my hand. We walked into the elevator and looked at each other and just broke down and held each other so tight. It was our 5th cycle and I was not pregnant again we both new we could no longer go any further, I was now 30kg over weight and miserable it was all we could we think about, it was consuming us. From that moment on I buried myself in work and everything else but me, this went on for another 3 years. 

I would walk past gyms, see fit groups and think to myself, that is where I was happy. I would push that thought to the back of my head, there is no way I could walk into a gym now looking the way I did. I constantly made empty promises to myself and would constantly let myself, my husband and my family down. I could see it in there faces, how disappointed they were in me, we had such an active up brining and was taught the importance of exercise and yet what had I become. Often I would feel so alone and just eat and then feel so disgusted in myself for doing it and it would just go around and around. 

To this day I don't know what made me do it but I had heard about this gym opening up not to far away from my work and I thought I am going to go down and sign up and I did. I was scared, nervous and every thought that entered in my head was telling me to run further and further away.  

I could no longer run and take life for granted, I had to take control of my life and no one could do it for me. You know there are some things You can't control and in particular I am never going to know if I will get the chance to be a mum and yes that breaks my heart but I am never going to be a mum or enjoy life if I am over weight. At my heaviest I weighed in 40kg over weight, you do the sums it was not pretty. 

9 months on and I am not the same person, I can now feel my fire for life coming to life again, the old Kelly is emerging. Now how would I describe myself. I am obsessive, a little crazy, I often don't think before i act, I constantly doubt my ability, I do worry what others think and look for others approval, I hate thinking I have let myself or others down. A lot of what makes me who I am use to be my down fall but I am now learning to use it to my advanatge and trying 

to make myself a better version of me. 

I am not going to say I wake up with a bounce in my step every day and the birds cherping away, I set goals and dont always get them but life is a lot better than it was. I can seriously tell you I enjoy life now, I love my fitness, I love how my goals are always changing, my mind set it always changing. I am stronger and i am now putting me and my life with my husband first (another blog all together)

Each week, day, month I am learning to love myself again, I use to think it was selfish or vain to feel like that but now I know it's a right and to be able to help others and give to others you need love yourself first. I feel my husband is prouder to call me his wife and my family and friends are no longer looking at me with disappointment or pitty. At the end of the day everyone wants to be someone that people are proud to be around and associated with. I no longer dread walking outside and taking on the day as the stronger I get the better life gets.  I have a clear vision of who Kelly is and just maybe my dream may come true one day and i will have a little family of my own but in the meantime I have my health back, I have "me" back and my gorgeous husband and life is a lot brighter and our future is in our hands. I am controlling the things I can and allowing life to take control of the things I can't.